Stoner Guide To Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

Set a strict set of rules and follow them
It would be easy to say “Screw this” and just go on a mad one, but unlike in “I Am Legend”, you’re not Will Smith.  You probably don’t have a trusty, potentially life-saving best friend of a dog, and if you do decide to go on a rampage, it is very unlikely that a surprisingly well-groomed woman accompanied by her young son is going to pull you out of your zombie-covered motor at the last second at 4am on a Thursday morning.

In all seriousness though, make sure you create a set of rules to ensure you and your group’s safety.  The number one rule should be never to go anywhere alone, but if you are alone you’ll just have to deal with it.  Maybe you’ll turn into some kind of Denzel Washington’s Book of Eli character, roaming the wastelands murking cats with sniper-crossbows even though you lost your sight years ago.  Probably not.

, Stoner Guide To Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

So pay attention to the following:

  1. Don’t venture out at all if you can help it – if you have followed the previous advice you should have all you need to stay put for a number of weeks/months.
  2. If you have to venture out of your safe house, don’t venture out alone.  Make sure you tell those you leave behind where you are going, and establish a method of communication/time you will be back by.  Of course the most sensible rule to set is that if you don’t come back not to go looking for you, but we are all humans and emotional ties can make people react irrationally.
  3. If the zombies are ‘night-crawlers’ (unlikely, but we have to cover all bases), only venture out in the day.  If they are out during the day and night, then be very wary.  When you’re out in the open – you’re exposed.
  4. When in your safe house keep noise to a minimum – the last thing you want is to alert a horde of the undead to your presence.  If by some miracle there is still electricity (or you have a generator), make sure you use headphones to avoid excess sound levels.  If you are in a modern house with double/triple glazing then normal voice levels should be fine, but no shouting!
  5. Sleep next to a weapon, in case zombies discover your location during this period – I’d imagine you won’t fall into a very deep sleep with danger constantly just around the corner, so hopefully if zombies do start to break in you will wake up and can get to safety.

Ration your supplies
You really don’t want to run out of supplies, and be left without food, water or weed.  That is why it is important that you pace yourself – while it will be near-impossible to predict how long you are going to be holed up in your safe house, the less supplies you use each day the longer you will survive if you remain undiscovered.  While it will be tempting to smoke fat blunts until you fall into a happy oblivion, I would advise against this.   Prison spliffs will make your weed last as much as possible, especially when supply begins to diminish.

The recommended amount of calories per day that we should consume is 2500 for men and 2000 for women.  However, as long as you eat something each day you’ll survive for a long time – this is where being a stoner becomes a bit of a problem , as you will not be able to satisfy your munchies without wasting valuable supplies! Be strict with yourself, it’ll work out better in the long run.

, Stoner Guide To Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

Sadly for us stoners McDonalds (unlike this picture suggests), KFC etc will be non-operational pretty much right away, so you can kiss goodbye to fast food forever!

Make sure you keep hydrated – so as to avoid headaches and serious health risks.  Drink plenty of water – you should have enough bottled if you followed the previous advice in this guide.

Be wary of large groups of survivors
These could be groups of rapers/pillagers/general bad people that are inevitable born out of this sort of catastrophe. Tough people will tend to stick together, and without laws to govern or police to enforce them, people may not always be trustworthy.  The number one rule of everybody post-event will be to look out for themselves, so make sure you don’t leave yourself vulnerable.

If you manage to survive and the zombies begin to somehow ‘die-off’ 28 days later style, then you’re going to need to go and explore, and this could still present dangers.  Don’t assume all is well if at first you don’t see any zombies – without television or the internet to keep you updated you won’t know it is truly safe, and could risk discovery/being turned into a zombie even by the last zombie roaming about.

However if you see swarms of army guys and special forces (probably led by Americans, as dictated in many zombie films), I’d say it is safe to come out and say “hey – I’m a survivor – get me to safety”.  Maybe, just maybe your ordeal will be over.